Back pain as a symbol for life pain

I've had lots of back pain of late. I've realised I slump- (a good symbol for life sometimes).

I've never been one not to have some sort of plan- some sort of goal, something to reach for. But since getting into a relationship, I've felt different about that sort of stuff. I'm not nearly as driven as I once was and I like myself a lot more- but I also feel a little lost.

Happy and lost? Yes, it is possible.

I also don't naval gaze as much as I used to and that definitely makes me happy. But I realised something- that the naval gazing was part of the goal setting process. But the goals, when they were reached never felt as good as they did in my imaginings.

I love my personal life now- I love my partner was a fierceness that sometimes overcomes me- but I don't love my job and I feel like I've lost sight of all I was previously- and most of the time I'm so very content.

It is just when I get into funks like this, that I think change = happiness and that is not always the case. It hasn't been an equal occasion in the past- I used to change all the time and I was NEVER happy. So you see, I've been around this corner before and I know what comes next.


What I need, what I want to do is find one thing that I love doing and put just a little more effort into it- like this blog- that only I read.

Anyway- this Saturday night I've taken 10 minutes out of doing whatever I was doing to write something here. It is about discipline and habit.

Sarah Douglass told me that. Oh and I forgot- my favourite writer has cancer.... I don't think she will survive, but she sure as shit won't go out wondering.

And I hope, never will I

See my problem is...

I want to write this blog- but I feel too much like that movie, "Julie and Julia"... and that is NOT what I am about.

I really need to find some form you see.

Anyway M is away at the moment- so I was out at dinner with friends and going out again tonight... I do miss him. H e is truly a wonderful man. it is only a few days, but I have to say it feels little weird him not being around.

Strange how life changes. If you had told me three years ago this is where I would be- I'd have signed the paper to commit you and laughed as I walked away.

Life can truly be surprising.